D-War Finally Dated for Release

That's right, folks, our inside sources have finally pegged a release date for the Korean/US $70 million dragon epic. It looks like we can all enjoy its beautifully corny action on June 12th, 2013! We recently caught up with director Hyung-rae Shim to talk about this exciting announcement, to which he replied, "We just haven't really felt like releasing it. I mean, it's pretty rad, but it's more fun to just, like, wait for movies than it is to actually watch them, right?"


Indeed, good sir!

Even more problems for Battle of Red Cliff

The already troubled John Woo-directed Battle of Red Cliff has suffered yet another major problem during shooting. After already having casting problems (the project has lost several key actors) the project has now lost another major contributor - its cameras.

It's not yet clear why the cameras decided to leave the project - one camp says that they simply didn't have enough time to master the tricky Mandarin dialogue, while another claims the cameras were demanding more money - but Woo seems unfaised. It seems the director has already solved the problem: he's going to shoot the project through his hands.

"Its always been a dream of mine to shoot a project through my hands,' he hasn't been quoted as saying, 'all directors would like to show the audience the film through their own eyes - I'm going to use my hands."

Drunken Master Signs On For Rush Hours 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 and Rush Hour: The Beginning

Source: ipFreely.com

In a shocking turn of events, which will sadden his fans, Jackie Chan has signed a contract to star in the next seven Rush Hour projects. This shocking turn of events apparently came about when an intoxicated Chan was convinced to sign a document binding him to reprise his role Chief Inspector Lee another seven times.

According to Jackie Chan's press agent, Billie Lueng, Chan does not remember signing the document: "He doesn't have many recollections of the night in question. He certainly doesn't remember signing anything. He was inebriated. You know... hammered, pixelated, smashed, pissed, drunk, cockeyed, goosed, jacked up, decimated, out of it, wasted, plastered, drunk out of his mind, steamin, tanked, tipsy, minced, trashed, ravaged, battered, drunk as a skunk, three sheets to the wind, high, blasted, blitzed, four to the floor, intoxicated, skunked, stinkin' drunk, soused, up to his eyeballs, liquored up, jolly, mottled, pie-eyed, scattered, messed up, zombied, gubbed, drunk as a lord, loaded, glazed, unsober... I'm sorry if I'm not descriptive enough. English is a second language to me. We propose to dispute the legality of this dubiously acquired inscription."

New Line Cinema has fired backed that they got Jackie drunk "fair and square". "I mean, if he (Chan) pulls out now, then who will reimburse us for this obscenely large bar tab?" said New Line representative Stinkybutt Cheaplaugh.

Hopefully this will teach Jackie Chan a big lesson in responsible drinking: in the company of Hollywood sharks, it's just not wise to get smashed, hammered, loaded, trashed, liquored up, glazed, cockeyed...

Deleted Scene: The Killer

Happy belated Easter...

the general's podcast!!!

coming soon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Guest Blogger: Edison Chen

Yo yo yo...
wud up yall...
dj edison n da house.
don b h8tn


shout out ta fcck crew...
my homies...
so i gota lil blogn sumtn 4 ya...

easter...
so I be hidn some eggs...
colored... pimped out eggs..
sum plastik wit lil sumn nside...
don be hatn..

jesus hid eggs to...

check out sum my crew...
edison chen bffs...
gay friends..
chilin..
funki fresh..
dope...
tight..
ya now da drill...
don B h8n yall...



sum mo my crew... represent yo!
this rite b4 we hunt 4 eggs..
i found six... don be hatn..

ate marshmallow chicks...
choclate bunnies...
cadbury eggs...
tummy ache yall! for realz...

peace out my homiz...
ebonics 4 life fool!

The Evil General Interview: Pei Mei

Yes, that's right! The elusive semi-immortal martial arts legend, Pei Mei, has been interviewed by one of the lowly (arent' they all?) henchmen of this blog. It, of course, wasn't easy. The whereabouts of this famous recluse were made known to us through an anonymous source (Okay, it was a note attached to the severed head of one of our employees, which was hurled through the window of our offices. We have to admit, it was pretty funny.). A secluded mountaintop held the small dwelling that Pei Mei has called his home for many centuries now.

Considering the Master of the Lotus Clan's murderous tendencies, we browbeat an intern into climbing the faint path up the mountain. Echoing cries of pain pierced the night's silence, disturbing our expedition party. We had to rewind The Office Season 2 a bit, because we didn't hear something funny Michael said. Those cries were really annoying.

Dawn broke and we found our intern lying still at the edge of our camp contorted into what one of our party helpfully described as a "bloody pretzel." There was much sadness, until someone discovered that our intern's tape recorder survived the ordeal. After burying the intern (The grave was unmarked. We couldn't remember his name.) in the best pail money can buy, we turned our attention to the recording. The following is a transcript of what we heard.


FCCK: So... um... haha... thanks for agreeing to do this interview.

Pei Mei: ...

FCCK: Haha. Heh. Um.. so how old are you?

*sounds of quick movement*

FCCK: *screams* Ah! Argh! Oh my... my EYE!! Why did you...?

Pei Mei: Shut up you dog! Don't ask such stupid questions or I'll crush your head like a grape!!

FCCK: No! Wait! Okay...okay... I'm sorry! My fault...

Pei Mei: And don't apologize! Stop sniveling! You're weakness makes me sick!

FCCK: Okay, okay! Just... I'm so... I mean okay. Just an *Ow!* an eye.... Ah this burns. The pain!

Pei Mei: Ask another question!

FCCK: Um... yeah. Okay, so...

Pei Mei: Hurry up!

FCCK: I... well... Ah, I've got blood on my notes... um... How old.. uh I mean... Maybe I should go. I'm losing a lot of blood here. Feel faint.

Pei Mei: You're okay.

FCCK: Haha. Yeah. Okay. Well... what is your favorite color?

Pei Mei: I'm color blind, you dog! Are you mocking me!?

FCCK: No!

*sounds of scuffle*

*static*

-end of transcription-

So, we hope you've enjoyed this interview with martial arts legend, Pei Mei. I think you can readily see from this candid piece, that he's just a regular guy.

NOTICE: Interns needed. Typing proficiency and high pain threshold a plus! Email us for more details.

Muay Thai: The Musical??

Rumours aren't circulating that Tony Jaa may be about to sign on the dotted line to co-star in a project alongside U.S. rap star Ja Rule. The project - tentatively titled Ja Jaa Jinx* - has been described as 'a fun action buddy-flick with a hip-hop soundtrack' and would provide Jaa's first U.S. role. Plot details are sketchy but are rumoured to follow a young Thai villager (Jaa) who travels to the U.S. when the sacred kitten of the village is 'jacked' by gangbangers. The film will also have its dramatic elements as Jaa learns how to fight with more than his elbows and knees - through the art of 'freestyle rapping', taught to him by Rule. When asked about the rumours rapper Ja Rule responded by saying that he liked the idea of the project 'because it doesn't rely on stereotypes' and that if the project did happen that it would be 'the shit'. What he meant by this last comment has been left open to interpretation.

Tony Jaa on the other hand has taken to practising his microphone skills whenever possible - as can be seen on this television clip: Tony Jaa - Microphone Fiend

*Harvey Weinstein has apparently shown a great deal of interest in the project but has said that he would rename it 'something more exciting sounding like The Protectors. You know - The Protector, plural'.

Long Time Coming Wong Kar Wai Film in the Can

Wong Kar Wai is notorious for taking his time to finish his films. Apparently, the director's latest finished piece has taken nearly forty years to finish.

According to a press release recently sent out to various news outlets, the film has yet to be titled, but it is a documentary about the potty training of Wong Kar Wai's little brother, Wong Harpo.

Delays in finishing include: a lawsuit by Wong Harpo over using scenes with him nude, some footage was lost, the fact that no one wants to watch it, and simple laziness. The first two were solved via expensive CGI and body doubles by Tony Leung in select scenes with cinematography by Christopher Doyle. The third reason has yet to be solved, and no one has been motivated enough to solve the fourth.

Nonetheless, it is a new Wong Kar Wai film, and it has us excited?

UPDATE:
We have since found out that the press release contained erroneous information. The film is still not complete. Apparently, some miscommunication over the use of the phrase "in the can" has occurred, and the film is in fact resting inside someone's bathroom.

Protégé DVD To Include Free Gram of Heroin?

Source: FunkyButtlover.com

The upcoming DVD release of Derek Pee's latest drug film, Protégé, comes in a variety of different packages. First is the standard edition, which includes only the film. Second is the special edition, which comes with the film AND a disc full of special features. But, then we have the choice of purchasing the deluxe edition (for all of you serious collectors out there), which comes with the film AND the special features disc AND a poster! But that's not all...this set also includes a free gram of heroin! Hurry and get yours now though because this set is limited to only 750,000 copies.

Contestant Rams Boxset, Injures Groin

Source: CrotchNews.com
Little Jimmy Olsen just wanted to win the contest. He recalls: "I just wanted to win the contest. I thought it would validate my existence. You know... and win a few DVDs maybe."

It all started at a prominent asian cinema fansite, that urged its readers to insert DVDs into the front of their pants and send pictures of this normal, everyday activity in to them. A winner would then be chosen at random.

Jimmy Olsen decided to go all out for the contest. Choosing one of his prized boxsets (sources close to Jimmy's crotch tell us that it was a Japanese LE, but this is unconfirmed), he proceeded to ram the case into the front of his jeans. The set was difficult to insert. "It was a seven disk set" Jimmy said, "with several toys, postcards, a holographic card, replica sword, several action figures, a keychain, a script book, a checklist indexing all of the contents of the set, and a small card warning not to insert the set into one's pants (which I didn't heed)." When the pants finally gave way after several forceful tries, the box set plummeted towards Jimmy's unmentionables. The results were devastating. "I just passed out from the pain." Jimmy remembers, "I awoke in the emergency room, and the doctors were trying to surgically remove the DVD set from my area. It was horrifying."

The LE box set ravaged Jimmy Olsen's groin, causing catastrophic injuries from which he will never recover. "He will never be able to insert a signed, numbered LE into his pants ever again," said Dr. David Manheim.

The website that created the contest could not be reached for comment at press time, because they were too busy laughing.

Mark Tuppence Smokes "Matsugane Potshot Affair"

Source: Your Mom

You know you care! Mark Tuppence has chimed in with his take on Matsugane Ransha Jiken, the bold story of Ken, who seeks to find the best method for taking marijuana intravenously. This children's film/cautionary tale comes from the director (whose name escapes me) that brought us the delightful Linda Linda Linda, and it's much too repetitive sequel Linda Linda Linda Linda.

Here's an excerpt from the review with pronouns and articles removed to liven things up a bit (it doesn't really help, but I giggled):

"In new film, 'Matsugane Ransha Jiken (Matsugane Potshot Affair),' Yamashita attempts to stretch farther, into something resembling serious drama. No, is not doing version of 'Interiors' -- Woody Allen's 1978 impersonation of Ingmar Bergman; "Matsugane" is still recognizably Yamashita. What has gone missing, however, is humor."

"What passes for comedy in Japanese mass media is often little better than ijime (bullying) played for laughs -- one comedian baiting or beating another -- so in sense Yamashita is simply going mainstream, but, no fan of ijime in any of infinitely varied forms, watched much of film stone-faced. At same time, appreciated ingeniously pointed and layered observations of life's frustrations and absurdities. In other words, Yamashita like and admire hasn't gone completely missing -- perhaps into hiding."

"Still, hard to hate film -- Yamashita is generous toward all characters, even ones, like hapless Hikari, uses as comic props. But also hard to care much about assorted dilemmas. Like potshots of title, make bit of noise, but leave little impression, echoes dissipate in cold air."

"I'm OK, You're A Cyborg" to show at NXNW

"I'm OK, You're A Cyborg" will make it's North American premiere at this year's North by Northwest festival (the festival was formerly known as simply the "North Film Festival", but it's moniker was changed when the founder [Alan Smithie] moved back into his parent's basement, located a little more "left" on the map.) When asked if this name change will be too confusing for fans, Alan Smithie was quoted as saying, "Shut up."

"I'm OK, You're A Cyborg" (IOYAC to slow typing fans) is the spiritual sequel to the 1989 Jean Cleaude van Damme film "Cyborg". It follows the activities of a mental patient with disturbingly faint eyebrows, weird bangs, and a neck condition that is a HAM radio hobbyist in her spare time (see picture). She gets tips from a cop named Murphy (played by Peter Weller) *spoiler alert* Some things happen and occasionally there is some dialog where things are said. Oh, and a conclusion is reached. *end spoiler*