In a shocking turn of events, which will sadden his fans, Jackie Chan has signed a contract to star in the next seven Rush Hour projects. This shocking turn of events apparently came about when an intoxicated Chan was convinced to sign a document binding him to reprise his role Chief Inspector Lee another seven times.According to Jackie Chan's press agent, Billie Lueng, Chan does not remember signing the document: "He doesn't have many recollections of the night in question. He certainly doesn't remember signing anything. He was inebriated. You know... hammered, pixelated, smashed, pissed, drunk, cockeyed, goosed, jacked up, decimated, out of it, wasted, plastered, drunk out of his mind, steamin, tanked, tipsy, minced, trashed, ravaged, battered, drunk as a skunk, three sheets to the wind, high, blasted, blitzed, four to the floor, intoxicated, skunked, stinkin' drunk, soused, up to his eyeballs, liquored up, jolly, mottled, pie-eyed, scattered, messed up, zombied, gubbed, drunk as a lord, loaded, glazed, unsober... I'm sorry if I'm not descriptive enough. English is a second language to me. We propose to dispute the legality of this dubiously acquired inscription."
New Line Cinema has fired backed that they got Jackie drunk "fair and square". "I mean, if he (Chan) pulls out now, then who will reimburse us for this obscenely large bar tab?" said New Line representative Stinkybutt Cheaplaugh.
Hopefully this will teach Jackie Chan a big lesson in responsible drinking: in the company of Hollywood sharks, it's just not wise to get smashed, hammered, loaded, trashed, liquored up, glazed, cockeyed...
