Wednesday, 25 April 2007

Drunken Master Signs On For Rush Hours 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 and Rush Hour: The Beginning

Source: ipFreely.com

In a shocking turn of events, which will sadden his fans, Jackie Chan has signed a contract to star in the next seven Rush Hour projects. This shocking turn of events apparently came about when an intoxicated Chan was convinced to sign a document binding him to reprise his role Chief Inspector Lee another seven times.

According to Jackie Chan's press agent, Billie Lueng, Chan does not remember signing the document: "He doesn't have many recollections of the night in question. He certainly doesn't remember signing anything. He was inebriated. You know... hammered, pixelated, smashed, pissed, drunk, cockeyed, goosed, jacked up, decimated, out of it, wasted, plastered, drunk out of his mind, steamin, tanked, tipsy, minced, trashed, ravaged, battered, drunk as a skunk, three sheets to the wind, high, blasted, blitzed, four to the floor, intoxicated, skunked, stinkin' drunk, soused, up to his eyeballs, liquored up, jolly, mottled, pie-eyed, scattered, messed up, zombied, gubbed, drunk as a lord, loaded, glazed, unsober... I'm sorry if I'm not descriptive enough. English is a second language to me. We propose to dispute the legality of this dubiously acquired inscription."

New Line Cinema has fired backed that they got Jackie drunk "fair and square". "I mean, if he (Chan) pulls out now, then who will reimburse us for this obscenely large bar tab?" said New Line representative Stinkybutt Cheaplaugh.

Hopefully this will teach Jackie Chan a big lesson in responsible drinking: in the company of Hollywood sharks, it's just not wise to get smashed, hammered, loaded, trashed, liquored up, glazed, cockeyed...

Sunday, 8 April 2007

the general's podcast!!!

coming soon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Thursday, 5 April 2007

Guest Blogger: Edison Chen

Yo yo yo...
wud up yall...
dj edison n da house.
don b h8tn


shout out ta fcck crew...
my homies...
so i gota lil blogn sumtn 4 ya...

easter...
so I be hidn some eggs...
colored... pimped out eggs..
sum plastik wit lil sumn nside...
don be hatn..

jesus hid eggs to...

check out sum my crew...
edison chen bffs...
gay friends..
chilin..
funki fresh..
dope...
tight..
ya now da drill...
don B h8n yall...



sum mo my crew... represent yo!
this rite b4 we hunt 4 eggs..
i found six... don be hatn..

ate marshmallow chicks...
choclate bunnies...
cadbury eggs...
tummy ache yall! for realz...

peace out my homiz...
ebonics 4 life fool!

Monday, 2 April 2007

The Evil General Interview: Pei Mei

Yes, that's right! The elusive semi-immortal martial arts legend, Pei Mei, has been interviewed by one of the lowly (arent' they all?) henchmen of this blog. It, of course, wasn't easy. The whereabouts of this famous recluse were made known to us through an anonymous source (Okay, it was a note attached to the severed head of one of our employees, which was hurled through the window of our offices. We have to admit, it was pretty funny.). A secluded mountaintop held the small dwelling that Pei Mei has called his home for many centuries now.

Considering the Master of the Lotus Clan's murderous tendencies, we browbeat an intern into climbing the faint path up the mountain. Echoing cries of pain pierced the night's silence, disturbing our expedition party. We had to rewind The Office Season 2 a bit, because we didn't hear something funny Michael said. Those cries were really annoying.

Dawn broke and we found our intern lying still at the edge of our camp contorted into what one of our party helpfully described as a "bloody pretzel." There was much sadness, until someone discovered that our intern's tape recorder survived the ordeal. After burying the intern (The grave was unmarked. We couldn't remember his name.) in the best pail money can buy, we turned our attention to the recording. The following is a transcript of what we heard.


FCCK: So... um... haha... thanks for agreeing to do this interview.

Pei Mei: ...

FCCK: Haha. Heh. Um.. so how old are you?

*sounds of quick movement*

FCCK: *screams* Ah! Argh! Oh my... my EYE!! Why did you...?

Pei Mei: Shut up you dog! Don't ask such stupid questions or I'll crush your head like a grape!!

FCCK: No! Wait! Okay...okay... I'm sorry! My fault...

Pei Mei: And don't apologize! Stop sniveling! You're weakness makes me sick!

FCCK: Okay, okay! Just... I'm so... I mean okay. Just an *Ow!* an eye.... Ah this burns. The pain!

Pei Mei: Ask another question!

FCCK: Um... yeah. Okay, so...

Pei Mei: Hurry up!

FCCK: I... well... Ah, I've got blood on my notes... um... How old.. uh I mean... Maybe I should go. I'm losing a lot of blood here. Feel faint.

Pei Mei: You're okay.

FCCK: Haha. Yeah. Okay. Well... what is your favorite color?

Pei Mei: I'm color blind, you dog! Are you mocking me!?

FCCK: No!

*sounds of scuffle*

*static*

-end of transcription-

So, we hope you've enjoyed this interview with martial arts legend, Pei Mei. I think you can readily see from this candid piece, that he's just a regular guy.

NOTICE: Interns needed. Typing proficiency and high pain threshold a plus! Email us for more details.